I DID THE THANG
So, this post is not really about endo—endo is not the main character, anyway—but, hey, it's my blog and I can do what I want. Anyway, this blog is about my life with endo and my life in the drug trial, and this particular post is about ME, so it's all relevant.
Oh, hai. It's me.
You are now talking to a Level 10 judge. In case you're not familiar with gymnastics, it's kind of a big deal. Be happy for me. Or not. It's your life.
All that happiness aside, I do need to admit to you that I have some regrets about my trip to Providence (where I went for USA Gymnastics National Congress and also to take the test). I know people always say things like, "No regrets!" and "No regrets, only learning experiences!" But I really think those people are either lying to themselves or are completely full of shit. I have tons of regrets. Yes, some of them have come complete with learning experiences. But I still have regrets, things I wish I would have done differently. In this case, I regret that I spent so much of my time in Providence either studying for or completely freaking out about my test. Looking back, I honestly don't think the time I spent studying once I got there made any difference. By that time, I knew what I knew. At some points, studying even made my nerves worse. So, instead of spending time with my friends and really immersing myself a city I've never been to before, I sequestered myself and spent a lot of time being a neurotic ball of nerves. Don't get me wrong. I did have a good time. I even saw some cool murals.
But even these photos are examples of me screwing myself up and not truly enjoying my time. The day before the test, I was such a spastic wreck, I left my credentials to get into Congress at our Airbnb. I didn't realize it until we got to the convention center, which was about a mile from our house, and I didn't have time to go back that morning. They gave me new credentials, but told me I had to go get my existing credentials and then give them the new ones back or they would have to charge me a $75 replacement fee. (If you rolled your eyes, HEY, GIRL, HEY. I did, too.) So, during our lunch break that day, I walked the mile back to our house, got my credentials, then turned around and walked the mile back to the convention center (in 95-degree weather, no less) and turned in the replacement credentials. Then I got a crap-tastic turkey wrap from the convention center café, sat on the floor, and ate it by myself while checking my work email. My friends went and had drinks and good food at a cool restaurant that was also literally cool, because, unlike me, they were IN THE AIR CONDITIONING. I missed out on that. And I missed out because I was so panicked about the test, I forgot to do a simple thing like put a freaking tag around my neck. I did try to enjoy my walk, thus these photos. But I would rather have been with my friends. And then, AND THEN, dare I even mention the fact that I missed the opportunity to meet Laurie Hernandez, because I decided I needed to study rather than stand in line?? (FACE PALM.) I preach all the time about being in the moment, enjoying the moment, and all of that, yet I failed to take my own advice. Such is life, I suppose.
I can at least say that I didn't spend the whole trip in pain, and I am beyond grateful for this little bit of mercy the universe chose to bestow upon me. As I was writing my last post from the airport (which, coincidentally, I am doing again, haha—airports mean lots of downtime, thus lots of writing time, bully for me), I told you that one of the biggest things I was worried about was having a flare-up, as I tend to do after flying, that would affect me during test time. I don't know if it's because of the trial meds or if it was truly the universe looking out for me—maybe some combination of both—because, as evidenced by the work trip I am currently returning home from and the incredible amount of pain I am writing through right now in an effort to think about something else, it is a truly rare occasion that I fly without pain. And not being in pain also meant I got to truly enjoy the fun things I did do, like go to this restaurant whose name I cannot remember where I had a salad that was very salad-y where they have possibly the coolest painting I have ever seen. I now enter into evidence Exhibit A, presented without further comment.
All in all, and despite my regrets, it was a good trip. I wish I could feel as good as I did in Providence every time I travel (but, you know, without the nerves). Because, honestly, this drug trial is hard. Most days I think I feel worse than I did before I started the meds. I have flare-ups nearly every time I fly, which I do for work about once a month. I love to travel; I love my job; I love that I get to come to Louisville for work. But (ALERT: SELF-INDULGENT WHINING AHEAD. Skip ahead a a few sentences to avoid this roadblock.), it really freaking sucks that I spend most of my time in Louisville in pain. I try to go out and do things, because I want to make the most of my time. Instead, I find myself either (a) loading up on ridiculous amount of ibuprofen and just "pushing through" when I go out, or (b) not doing anything at all because I feel like shit, and the shitty feeling is made worse by the knowledge that I am not making the most of my time. IT'S JUST FRUSTRATING, Y'ALL. Okay. I'm done with that. What I'm trying to say is felt good to feel good. I want more of that in my life. I need more of that in my life.
Anyway, Imma go now. Let's all, myself included, make an effort to be in the moment, even the ones that aren't very good or don't seem to matter very much when they are happening. Every moment is fleeting, and once it's gone, you can't get it back. I leave you with this final photo from another restaurant whose name I can't remember but that had really cool decor.
Until next time.
Yours,
Test Subject 521-002
Oh, hai. It's me.
ANYWAY... Instead of the normal endo doom and gloom, today I bringest thou good news: Remember that big scary test I was worried about last time? Wellll, I PASSED! After incessantly checking my email every, oh, 5 seconds for the past 2.5 weeks, I finally got my results. And. I. Passed.
You are now talking to a Level 10 judge. In case you're not familiar with gymnastics, it's kind of a big deal. Be happy for me. Or not. It's your life.
All that happiness aside, I do need to admit to you that I have some regrets about my trip to Providence (where I went for USA Gymnastics National Congress and also to take the test). I know people always say things like, "No regrets!" and "No regrets, only learning experiences!" But I really think those people are either lying to themselves or are completely full of shit. I have tons of regrets. Yes, some of them have come complete with learning experiences. But I still have regrets, things I wish I would have done differently. In this case, I regret that I spent so much of my time in Providence either studying for or completely freaking out about my test. Looking back, I honestly don't think the time I spent studying once I got there made any difference. By that time, I knew what I knew. At some points, studying even made my nerves worse. So, instead of spending time with my friends and really immersing myself a city I've never been to before, I sequestered myself and spent a lot of time being a neurotic ball of nerves. Don't get me wrong. I did have a good time. I even saw some cool murals.
 |  |
I can at least say that I didn't spend the whole trip in pain, and I am beyond grateful for this little bit of mercy the universe chose to bestow upon me. As I was writing my last post from the airport (which, coincidentally, I am doing again, haha—airports mean lots of downtime, thus lots of writing time, bully for me), I told you that one of the biggest things I was worried about was having a flare-up, as I tend to do after flying, that would affect me during test time. I don't know if it's because of the trial meds or if it was truly the universe looking out for me—maybe some combination of both—because, as evidenced by the work trip I am currently returning home from and the incredible amount of pain I am writing through right now in an effort to think about something else, it is a truly rare occasion that I fly without pain. And not being in pain also meant I got to truly enjoy the fun things I did do, like go to this restaurant whose name I cannot remember where I had a salad that was very salad-y where they have possibly the coolest painting I have ever seen. I now enter into evidence Exhibit A, presented without further comment.
All in all, and despite my regrets, it was a good trip. I wish I could feel as good as I did in Providence every time I travel (but, you know, without the nerves). Because, honestly, this drug trial is hard. Most days I think I feel worse than I did before I started the meds. I have flare-ups nearly every time I fly, which I do for work about once a month. I love to travel; I love my job; I love that I get to come to Louisville for work. But (ALERT: SELF-INDULGENT WHINING AHEAD. Skip ahead a a few sentences to avoid this roadblock.), it really freaking sucks that I spend most of my time in Louisville in pain. I try to go out and do things, because I want to make the most of my time. Instead, I find myself either (a) loading up on ridiculous amount of ibuprofen and just "pushing through" when I go out, or (b) not doing anything at all because I feel like shit, and the shitty feeling is made worse by the knowledge that I am not making the most of my time. IT'S JUST FRUSTRATING, Y'ALL. Okay. I'm done with that. What I'm trying to say is felt good to feel good. I want more of that in my life. I need more of that in my life.
Anyway, Imma go now. Let's all, myself included, make an effort to be in the moment, even the ones that aren't very good or don't seem to matter very much when they are happening. Every moment is fleeting, and once it's gone, you can't get it back. I leave you with this final photo from another restaurant whose name I can't remember but that had really cool decor.
Until next time.
Yours,
Test Subject 521-002
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