The Endo Times

I know it's been a while since I've posted an update here, but so much has been going on, and I've been trying to process my feelings and come to terms with everything, which hasn't been easy. I should have just started writing this post to begin with—writing is how I truly process things anyway. I'm not sure where to begin, so I'll start with the bottom line: I quit the trial. I feel so ashamed of myself that I couldn't finish it, that I couldn't push through and stick it out. I feel like I have failed myself, failed my readers, and failed my endo community. I have been considering quitting the trial for a few months now. I think I've mentioned that before, but I was trying to push through, telling myself it would get better. But here's the thing: It wasn't getting better. It seemed like the longer I was on the drug, the worse I got. Cramping and stabbing pains every day. Bleeding almost every day. Days I was so tired, getting out of bed s...

So, this post is not really about endo—endo is not the main character, anyway—but, hey, it's my blog and I can do what I want. Anyway, this blog is about my life with endo and my life in the drug trial, and this particular post is about ME, so it's all relevant. Oh, hai. It's me.  ANYWAY... Instead of the normal endo doom and gloom, today I bringest thou good news: Remember that big scary test I was worried about last time? Wellll, I PASSED! After incessantly checking my email every, oh, 5 seconds for the past 2.5 weeks, I finally got my results. And. I. Passed. You are now talking to a Level 10 judge. In case you're not familiar with gymnastics, it's kind of a big deal. Be happy for me. Or not. It's your life. All that happiness aside, I do need to admit to you that I have some regrets about my trip to Providence (where I went for USA Gymnastics National Congress and also to take the test). I know people always say things like, "No regrets!...

If you read the title and automatically started singing the theme song for The Golden Girls in your head (bonus points for singing out loud), congratulations, you are my people. I'm happy to report that for the past few days, I have been able to answer "None" or "Mild" when my e-diary asks me how much endo pain I've had for the day. Which is a relief because most of the past 4-5 weeks have been absolutely horrendous, pain-wise. Even though I was at the beach for our epic annual Weaver-Clark Family Vacation (I'm making t-shirts next year, guys—consider yourselves warned), and then in Nashville for our big Posh convention, and then Dave and I went to the Kesha & Macklemore concert (AMAZING, btw), and now I'm traveling again (currently in the midst of a four-hour layover as I travel to Providence for USA Gymnastics National Congress), and it looked (looks?) like I am having a blast (not gonna lie, I was and am), I have also been pushing through ...

Recently, I've had some pretty nasty flare-ups, and the old frustration is creeping back in. I have to go to extreme measures to get any semblance of relief. And if that relief comes, it's often fleeting. These flare-ups make me feel trapped in my own body, hopeless and desperate. I was really hoping that participating in this trial would give me some relief, but it's honestly hard to say if it has. Sometimes it feels like maybe it is, but then other times... Well, other times, I have weeks like last week where I'm in so much pain I can barely function, but I have to force myself to function because I have to fly home from a business trip so I buy every single pack of Aleve from an airport kiosk then spend an hour sitting on the toilet and crying quietly in the bathroom. I have so many thoughts and feelings, it's honestly hard to put them into words, so this week I'm giving you a photo blog. This is me. This is how I feel. This is my real life, not my Facebook ...

Social media is a funny thing, don't you think? I've been thinking lately about how it lets you create almost a double life for yourself—there's the life that you present on social media, be it Facebook, Snapchat, Insta, Twitter, whatever, and then there's your actual life that you lead every day. So, if you have people who follow you on your social media accounts who actually don't know you very well in real life (and let's be real, who doesn't stalk at least one person on Facebook??), you can make your life look like a freaking fairy tale. Or, on the other hand, you can be overly negative and have everyone thinking that your life is falling apart when, in reality, the worst thing that happened to you today was that coffee mug that you didn't need but bought from Amazon anyway was delivered one day later than expected (THE HORROR). Take me, for example. I try not to be too serious on my various social media accounts. I try to be funny and positive a...

"Smalls" in this case being my ever-loving e-diary. If you've ever hung out with me at night, you've seen me pull it out of my purse, probably shake my head at it, then fill it out and throw it violently back into my purse. I've been asked why I have a second phone. If you didn't ask me, you were probably shaking your head like, Mmmmmhmmmmm . That's okay; it looks like one. It also has an alarm on it that I can't turn off, so it goes off every night at 7:00 p.m., whether or not I've already filled it out for the day. Sometimes, the additional reminder alarms go off at 7:30 and then again at 8:00, even if I filled it out at 7:00. This is not supposed to happen, but hey, technology, right? Except consistency... And if I forget to fill it out before 11:00 p.m., well, all bets are off for that day. If I get busy, or if I fall asleep, or if I go out and I forget to bring it with me and I get back home at 11:01 p.m., no dice. It counts for the next...

That gem of a quote was provided by Dave the other day while we were walking around the lake. We came to some geese standing on the walking path, and as I was reminding Dave about the demon geese at the Riverwalk that chase me when I'm running, I discretely made my way to his other side, so as not to be close to the geese. "Did you really just do that?" he asked me. "If they chase you, all you have to do is punch them. I've punched a goose before." Literally almost died laughing. I'm laughing again thinking about it now. ANYWAY, that's not really what today's post is about, but I got a good laugh out of it, and I was hoping you would, too. I ain't tryin' to mess with you, dude. Dave's story about punching a goose may not be what today's post is about, but it did get me thinking about comfort zones—in that case, my comfort zone being avoiding the geese rather than standing up to them (though I just don't know about punchin...

For some reason, no one ever gets this reference and it makes me so sad. If you got the reference in this week's title, please hit me up. Come over and let's drink wine together. So, anyway, I took last week off, though I guess I should really say "off," because it wasn't a vacation by any means—we were moving to a new place (more about that later), and I just didn't have time. I did miss writing this blog last week, though. It's been really cathartic and therapeutic to get these thoughts out of my mind and these feelings off my chest. And it's even better knowing that someone is actually reading. I love hearing your feedback, and I love that I've been able to start some conversations. If you're reading right now, much appreciation. Thank you. But that's enough feelings for now! With the move and the meds, I've had quite enough of those over the past few weeks, which is difficult for someone like me who really does not like expressin...

What question , you ask? That one. The one that seems harmless but really has the potential for awkward and disastrous results. So, this week, I was at a conference for work. At this conference, I was responsible for coordinating a dinner for several of our clients (which went smashingly, thanks for asking). Why is this relevant? Because it means that I met a lot of people this week. Meeting people is always awkward for me because I'm an introvert by nature (not 'cause I hate ya 😆) and because I don't have children. I don't know why this is, but anytime I meet someone, one of the first questions I am asked is, "Do you have kids?" And, I know, so what? It's meant to be a casual icebreaker, something to talk about with a person you just met. And because I'm a woman in my mid-thirties, obviously, I have children and obviously I want to talk about them, right? Wrong. I know "Do you have kids?" seems like a harmless icebreaker, but I have...

Well, we are back from vacation, and WE SURVIVED. CAN I GETTA AMEN Was it the best vacation we've ever had? No. But it was a vacation nonetheless. We did some cool things. We saw some cool things. We visited some pretty sweet bars (of course). We walked a lot. One day, we visited this really scary jail that is supposedly haunted to try to decide if we were brave enough to take the haunted tour that night. Dave and I both got some really weird vibes just standing outside, decided we were too creeped out to take the tour, and watched the Ghost Adventures episode about the place instead. IT'S SEASON 6, EPISODE 11, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED But the one thing we did on this vacation that was so important was rest. Normally, when Dave and I go on vacation, we are up and going all day and all night. (Unless we are at the beach; beach rules are different.) When we left for this trip, we both agreed that we would have no agenda, only make loose plans, and REST. It was glo...

I usually post on Wednesdays, so this is a day early. I know. But it's my blog and I can do what I want. So here I am. ON A TUESDAY. (Ha.) Anyway, I'm here because it's still Endometriosis Awareness Month (yup, still), and we're going on vacation tomorrow but I still have some things I want to talk about, namely the mental and emotional tolls endo can take. I've spent a lot of time talking about the physical tolls, and those are no joke, but endo also comes with some major thoughts, feels, and emotions. But I felt particularly inspired to talk about it today because of the vacation situation.  Vacations are supposed to be fun and relaxing, but as I've pointed out before, for those of us with endo, awareness goes beyond the month of March. We're always aware. Even on good days, which I've had a few of lately and are actually the source of my stress today, we are aware. I know, I know: WTF, Robyn? Enjoy your good days. You don't know how many you...

In the spirit of last week's post, I thought I'd continue celebrating (celebrating? No, that's not right. Honoring? Yes, honoring) Endometriosis Awareness Month by hitting you with some more facts. Oh yeah... That's still going on... Did you forget? Get so excited about Pi Day? It's understandable. Unless you spent your entire day in excruciating pain (me) while trying to push through and appear to be a normal human adult (me) and failing miserably once again (also me), you probably didn't have any reason to think about it. And that's okay. I'm glad you didn't. But it is still Endometriosis Awareness Month and I'm gonna keep talking about it. So here's some reading material to go along with your pi. Last week, I shared some clinical facts about endo. Things that happen at the doctor's office. Things doctors say. Problems with diagnosis. Problems with treatment. You read the post (you did, right??); you get it. But the facts I want to sh...

Did you know that March is Endometriosis Awareness Month? Probably not. I have the disease, and I  only learned a few months ago that "Endometriosis Awareness Month" was a thing. So, instead of my weekly bitchfest, I'm going to hit you with some facts that are definitely not fake news. An estimated 176 million women worldwide have endometriosis. If all of us combined to form our own country, we could form the 8th largest country in world. According to the U.S. Census Bureau's Current World Population , we'd fall right between Nigeria and Bangladesh, outnumbering even Russia and Japan. What a country that would be, right? Lookout, World, we're coming for you. Endometriosis is an equal-opportunity employer. It does not care about your race, your ethnicity, or how much money you make. If you're a woman, step right up. (Or maybe don't. This is not a job you want. In fact, RUN.)  Endometriosis also affects trans men, which until a few weeks ago was som...