ON A TUESDAY

I usually post on Wednesdays, so this is a day early. I know. But it's my blog and I can do what I want. So here I am. ON A TUESDAY. (Ha.) Anyway, I'm here because it's still Endometriosis Awareness Month (yup, still), and we're going on vacation tomorrow but I still have some things I want to talk about, namely the mental and emotional tolls endo can take. I've spent a lot of time talking about the physical tolls, and those are no joke, but endo also comes with some major thoughts, feels, and emotions. But I felt particularly inspired to talk about it today because of the vacation situation. 

Vacations are supposed to be fun and relaxing, but as I've pointed out before, for those of us with endo, awareness goes beyond the month of March. We're always aware. Even on good days, which I've had a few of lately and are actually the source of my stress today, we are aware. I know, I know: WTF, Robyn? Enjoy your good days. You don't know how many you're going to get. At least you're alive. Blah, blah, blah. I know. And don't get me wrong, I do appreciate the good days. But here's why I feel stressed: We are leaving for vacation tomorrow, and I am terrified that my good days are numbered and I am going to have a flare up while we are on vacation and ruin it. This is the mental and emotional toll of endo. You want to enjoy your good days, but you also spend a lot of time worrying about when the next flare up will happen. Will it happen when we're on vacation? Instead of exploring Charleston, will I be stuck in bed because I'm in too much pain to move? Will the hubs miss out on a much-needed vacation (he works hard, y'all) because he has to take care of me? My mouth is literally full of ulcers because I have been stressing all day, worrying that I am going to ruin our vacation. 

I know this may seem stupid to some of you because you don't have to deal with it and therefore you don't understand, and that's okay. I'm so glad you don't have to deal with it. If you think I'm being overly dramatic or overreacting, please become a doctor—that's their initial reaction when you present with symptoms of endo. But I'm not talking about that today. I just want to point out that endo presents you with a constant cycle of worry. You feel like shit, then you feel better, then you try to enjoy your time feeling okay while also living with the knowledge that a flare up can happen at any time and you don't always know when it's coming. So you try to push it to the back of your mind, but, at least for me, I know it's hard to push that to the back of my mind, especially when I know I have something good coming up that I could potentially ruin. The hubs is so patient—and I am very lucky there, I know that—and that is what makes this worse. He deserves a vacation, and WHO AM I TO RUIN IT? There's a good chance I could. He knew I was worried and held me in his arms today and told me I shouldn't be worried. But I am.

There is a silver lining to this cloud, though. (See?! I told you I try to appreciate the good.) I mentioned briefly that I have had a few good days here lately. Last week, I had a terrible, terrible flare up. The Sunday before last, it came out of nowhere. We had to cancel plans with our friends so I could spend the day crying on the couch in a drug-addled haze (still sorry about that, y'all—you know who you are). That flare up continued into Friday, when it finally subsided. But this past Sunday, I actually felt okay. And I have felt okay since Sunday. So, I am holding out hope that maybe my body is adjusting to the trial meds, and I am clinging to the hope that it will eventually help. I'm absolutely sure I have the hormone, but based on the side effects I am having, I am pretty sure that my "add-back therapy" (reminder: this is what helps ease side effects) is a placebo. If that is the case, in four more months, I will actually get the add-back therapy, so I am hanging on in this trial. My mind needs a break. My body needs a break. My husband needs a break. Someone throw us a Kit Kat.

Until next week.

Yours,

Test Subject 521-002