Can we stop asking this question, please?

What question, you ask? That one. The one that seems harmless but really has the potential for awkward and disastrous results.

So, this week, I was at a conference for work. At this conference, I was responsible for coordinating a dinner for several of our clients (which went smashingly, thanks for asking). Why is this relevant? Because it means that I met a lot of people this week. Meeting people is always awkward for me because I'm an introvert by nature (not 'cause I hate ya 😆) and because I don't have children.

I don't know why this is, but anytime I meet someone, one of the first questions I am asked is, "Do you have kids?" And, I know, so what? It's meant to be a casual icebreaker, something to talk about with a person you just met. And because I'm a woman in my mid-thirties, obviously, I have children and obviously I want to talk about them, right? Wrong. I know "Do you have kids?" seems like a harmless icebreaker, but I have several issues with it. I'll tell you why.

I feel that I am asked this question right off the bat simply because I am a woman. At the dinner I mentioned earlier, I eavesdropped (I'm an observer, what can I say...) on a conversation between two men who had never met before. They talked about their jobs, then moved on to what they did in their spare time, whether the bee crisis is an actual crisis, where they are from, and that kind of thing. No mention of children, other than in passing (e.g., Yeah, my daughter is in college there, so we went to visit her). Then, one of these men, to whom I had been introduced earlier in the day but had not yet had a conversation with, turned to talk to me.
"So, Robyn," he said, "you're a technical writer?"
"I am."
"And do you have kids?"
Boom. There it is. Immediately. No further questions about my job. Nothing. Based on the conversation he just had (and, of course, the numerous other times I have been in this situation), I can only assume that he asked me this question because I am a woman, and because I am a woman, he assumed I should automatically have/want a child/children and am incapable of having anything else in my life. (P.S., I know this is probably [hopefully] not his assumption, at least not consciously, but that is how it feels to me.) And this is where conversations get awkward for me.

The reasons Dave and I can't/don't/won't have children are numerous and personal and straightforward and messy and honest. They deal not just with our medical conditions (hello, endo) but also with our feelings about the world and our views on life and our mental health and our quality of life and our past traumas and, and, AND. But when someone, especially a man, meets me for the first time, I don't feel comfortable having this conversation with him, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to know that much about me ever in our professional relationship. So, I do what I always do to make it less awkward for the person who is currently making me feel awkward (because that's what I do—God forbid I should make someone else feel awkward... excuse me for a sec, let me remove my eyeballs from the back of my head...), and I giggle politely and say, "Nope, no kids. Just a dog," because I know that will draw a laugh and give the person an opportunity to ask what kind of dog I have. Although, that is best case scenario. More often than not, the next question is, "Oh, well, do you want any?" which always comes off as accusatory, but to avoid confrontation, I always respond with, "More dogs? I would love more dogs!" to fully let the person know that I want to leave this topic.

Now, I know some of you are sitting there reading this and thinking, Okay, here's another snowflake who's offended by something. But this goes so much deeper than "being a snowflake" or "having your feelings hurt," so I encourage you to read on. Aside from my personal experiences with being asked this question, I have a whole list of reasons you should stop asking women this question the first time you meet them. But for the sake of time, I'll only discuss the most important two.

1. You don't know this woman. You don't know her situation. You don't know her life. What if she has recently had a miscarriage? Somewhere between 10%-20% of all known pregnancies end in miscarriage (https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pregnancy-loss-miscarriage/symptoms-causes/syc-20354298). What if she has recently lost a child? What if she is struggling with infertility and is dying to have a child but can't? Endometriosis, among many other things, can cause infertility. There are so many women in my endo support groups who want a child so badly, but it is just not possible. And adoption is not the right path for everyone nor is it a feasible path for everyone. Do you see how all of these situations could go way beyond just making a woman feel "awkward" and move into the realm of dredging up all kinds of feelings she really doesn't want to discuss with you?
2. I understand that men cannot carry children. I realize that there are women who love having children and being moms. There are also women who are moms but don't love being moms. There are stay-at-home moms who love their children. There are working moms who love their children. There are moms who don't love their children. THERE ARE WOMEN WHO ARE NOT MOMS. And even if a woman is also a mother, that's not all she is. I know it may come as a surprise, but some of us are educated (scary, right??). Some of us are focusing on our career. Some of us have hobbies. Some of us are a combination of all of those things. My point is this: Being a mom or not being a mom shouldn't pigeonhole you into that one category. We can be many things at once, because that is the miracle of being a human. 
3. Okay, I know I said two, but I had to throw this one in for consideration: Men are also parents! Why aren't you asking them these questions??

There are many other reasons, but I'll spare you those. The two(ish) above are the most important for me. So, that being said, here are some other things you can ask instead of "Do you have children?":
💗 "What do you do in your spare time?"
💗 "Do you have any hobbies?"
💗 "Oh, you're a <insert job position>? Tell me more about that."
💗 "How 'bout this weather? Crazy, huh?"

See how that works? You can find out more about her as an actual person! I'm not saying that children are off limits to talk about. If you ask a woman what she likes to do in her spare time and she says she likes to read with her children, clearly she wants to talk about them. You could follow up with something like, "Oh, my kids really liked reading when they were younger! What are their favorites?" There's still no need to ask how many children she has and/or if she wants more. BUT, if you ask her what she likes to do in her spare time and she tells you that she volunteers at the library and does a weekly story time for first graders, that is not an invitation to ask her if she has/wants children. It's an invitation to ask her more about volunteering at the library. This is how conversation works! You listen and respond in a manner that shows you are actually listening.

So, please, can we stop asking this question? It's not about being a "snowflake" who is easily offended and unable to handle other opinions. It's just about being conscientious and thinking about your questions before you ask them. It's about breaking cultural norms that shouldn't be the norm and realizing how your question could possibly cause someone else harm or, at the very least, cause an awkward situation. That's all.

Until next week.

Yours,

Test Subject 521-002